First things first, I’d love to remind you I’m offering a Songwriting Mini-course starting this Sunday! It’s two sessions, April 14th and 28th, 1pm-2:30pm CST on Zoom. We will do some explorative writing, discuss song form, lyrics, use a prompt to write a song that we will then come back and workshop on the 28th. You can register here and I’ll send you an email with further info.
Last Friday we had made plans with some new friends for pizza and a movie night with our kids. Our little ones go to school together and it’s been incredibly nice spending more time together as families where the adults can chat and socialize as the children entertain each other. This still feels so new to me and having supportive family friendships are something I’ve been dreaming of.
A lot of my closest girlfriends here in Nashville don’t have children and no matter how supportive, understanding, intentional we are with each other, that life change of becoming parents can create quite a gulf that just wasn’t there before. Especially when most of our professions and lifestyles are rooted in being touring musicians. Our parameters for how we are accustomed to spending time together have dramatically changed. Sometimes it’s just really nice to be around people who completely understand your schedule constraints, the chaos, the exhaustion of parenthood. So when I feel a budding relationship with another mom and her family start to grow, I want to give it my energy and time.
Friday afternoon came and another friend reached out that she had a last minute ticket for me to go to an event I had been interested in. It was a fundraiser dinner for the writing school she works for and she knew I had wanted to go but couldn’t afford the several hundred dollar ticket. One of my favorite authors was the guest of honor (Ross Gay) and it was set out on a beautiful farm in West Nashville. It promised to be an enlightening and exciting cultural experience. I told her how crushed I was that I had made other plans… she light heartedly told me to bail and noted that I should really get out and meet some of the Nashville literary community (she knows I’m nourishing my own prose and long form writing). Ooooh that was the point that got me.
I was so conflicted! I wanted to go so bad but I also was really looking forward to pizza and movie night. But I should go right? There’s that damn should that’s been ruling my life for so long! Was I being irresponsible to my dreams, career, self by not going? Was I betraying myself, my aspirations by choosing the humdrum, mundane, comfort of a pizza and movie night with my family? If this is the career I really want, I should be attending these events and widening my network and connections, right? Or even if it’s just nourishing something fulfilling in myself, career aside, I should go, right? But no, I had plans! And our kids were so excited, they’d be crushed if I ruined our Friday night pizza and movie plans. Plus, I genuinely wanted to hang out with my family. I was excited for Friday pizza and movie night.
And there it is. I wanted both things but I really wanted to go to pizza and movie night even more. I didn’t just feel obligated to family plans. I genuinely was looking forward to spending a low key evening with my family and new friends, possibly more than I wanted to get dressed up and drive out to a beautiful, exciting, intellectually stimulating, potentially and possibly expanding to my life and career in tiny but possible ways. But there was that deeply ingrained tug, that guilt, the question of…am I losing my ambition, my drive, my dedication? And therefore will I not be rewarded? If I don’t GO every time someone offers, will I stop being invited? Will they sniff me out and know I’ve lost my edge and stop wasting their time?
So what did I do? I did what I always do when I have a dilemma. I called my parents. I explained the situation over Facetime and pretty simultaneously they both said,
“Come on. You know what you’re going to do. You can go to an event like this some other time when you have it planned ahead. Be with your family. You know what to do.” I nodded. They were right. And that’s what my gut was saying. Be with your family. That’s what you WANT to do.
Shortly after this call, one of my close girlfriends came over. She is not married and she doesn’t have children. I repeated the scenario and my dilemma to her. “Oh, come on.” She said, “You know what you gotta do….You have to go! You hang with your family every day, these events are rare!”
I burst out laughing. I said, “Spoken like a true career woman!” She laughed as I recounted my parent’s opposite advice.
It’s not like going to this event was going to ‘get me’ anything. But there’s this idea that in order to ‘progress’, you have to be out there, the more people you know, the more possible connections, more opportunities to learn, grow, do things, it’s all about being in the right place and the right time! Even for something as seemingly small as attending a show, a reading, a party or dinner fundraiser event. There’s always this pressure. Otherwise, you could slip away into obscurity and remain unknown, never progressing. But. What if unknown obscurity is nice? And furthermore, what if not forcing yourself to do or prioritize everything that seems like an opportunity over family or personal desires doesn’t equal obscurity?
I went to pizza and movie night. And I had a great time and so did our families.
A few days later, I was driving home and heard Anne Lamott being interviewed on NPR. She was discussing her new book. I turned on the radio mid-conversation and it jumped right in where the interviewer asked,
“Do you think that that’s very American as well? This idea that you just barrel through and if you just knuckle down, and want it hard enough and work hard enough you can get whatever you want?
Anne replied, “Oh yes. I call it the forward thrust. This idea that you must always be advancing on the path of success.” She went on to explain how she was raised with this idea and the belief that this mentality would keep you from falling into the abyss. But that actually the most important things she has learned about herself and about life was down in the abyss. She talks about how the forward thrust doesn’t really help you, it might get you some things you wanted but it doesn’t fill you up, and it probably even hurts you and others along the way.
Thank you Anne Lamott for giving me the language.
Here’s to not always thrusting forward and sometimes falling into the beautiful abyss.
As always, thank you so much for being here. I write these quickly, from the heart, so please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. Your readership and your subscriptions keep this going and I am very grateful.
One more reminder! This starts this Sunday! If you, or someone you know, would love an introduction to what working on songwriting with me is like, this is a great entry point and I promise you will write a song!
Living in Australia I’ve found my wife actually pushing me to go out and do things instead of staying at home. I joined book clubs and a local baseball team to help introduce me to men my age, so when I’m sitting at home getting ready to plop myself on the couch, she’s the one telling me to get out and go.