shapeshifter
and the rooms we're in...
I spent last weekend in California for my grad school residency. It was my first trip away from our 1 year old baby boy. I was nervous but comforted that both of our children were well loved and cared for back home by my husband and his mom. It was also surreal to be in paradise, discussing scholars and work focusing on humanity, soul, and the journey to becoming whole while more devastating news was happening ‘out there’. Yes we could say devastating news is always happening but it’s living in denial to say things aren’t especially dark right now. That’s not even what I’m writing about today but it feels impossible to not acknowledge it in every moment, just how ‘not ok’ these times are.
Nevertheless, I flew into LA last Wednesday and quickly drove to Malibu Canyon for a video and photo shoot for my upcoming album. It was in a beautiful setting, a house perched on the hillside with a garden, horses, chickens and stray cats. We shot for 4 hours, making videos for the songs I’ll be releasing as singles (starting this month!) while my friend Joey snapped photos throughout. I always feel apprehensive and inhibited at the beginning of a shoot but by the end it felt as natural as can be.
After that I drove up to Santa Barbara and checked into my hotel which was located across the street from a gentleman’s club! It was a quick one night stay before moving over to my family friend’s home that I always stay with when I come to Santa Barbara. I’ve been coming to visit since I was 16 years old. I’ve written or started many songs here (By Our Design, I’m Only Human, Chasing Days). I’ve been reflecting on the role it plays in my sense of stability, security, safety as well as inspiration, wildness, beauty. It was different this time as my family friend’s husband just moved into an assistant living memory care facility and she is still recovering from a brain injury she suffered this past fall. The evidence of life passing was all around us, the grief of it was heavy amongst the natural beauty of the home.
Each night, as I was attempting to fall asleep, a pack of coyotes appeared outside my door, yipping and howling, clucking like chickens. The first night, I had no idea what the sounds were. I mentioned it the next morning and was told oh yes, those are the coyotes, and it’s mating season. They returned each night, feeling closer every time, like they were almost in the room. I couldn’t help but search for the archetypal symbolism in their presence.
School started the next day and it was 4 full days of a transformational experience. Each residency, we have a project to present. Because this is a Masters of Depth Psychology of Creativity, often our projects are creative works plus scholarly insight. Even though I had planned to attempt to put songwriting aside while working on my masters, it seems my soul has other plans. I just keep writing songs. So for both classes, I wrote songs and reflected on the experience through the scholarly lens.
One of my classes is on archetypes. Our assignment was to pick an archetypal image from Kim Krans’ Archetypal Deck and then create a soundscape to reflect that image. When I wrote the song as well as the scholarly paper, I didn’t feel emotional. It felt inspirational, intuitive but also slightly matter of fact. But on Sunday, when it came to my turn to present, I had spent the morning listening to half of my classmates present their own soundscapes, apparently slowly cracking me open. The nature of learning in community about depth psychology lends itself to sharing how the theories seem to apply to our own lives, our own minds and hearts become the subject of our studies. This is encouraged in our program and inevitably can feel somewhat like a cathartic group therapy session while appropriately keeping the focus on academics. It certainly creates an environment that makes vulnerability feel safe.
A few paragraphs into reading my essay aloud, my eyes started to burn. My throat tightened and all of a sudden I was choking back tears. I paused to apologize and share my own surprise but upon remembering and feeling the safety in the room, I gave into the flood of emotion and cried through the entire reading.
When I started to perform the song, I kept my eyes down, staring at the words, not able to look up for fear I would completely lose it. Nothing is more challenging than attempting to sing through a pinched throat choking back tears. When my last note rang out, I heard several sniffles around the room. I looked up and saw several of my classmates very openly weeping, not just a couple tears, but fully weeping. Seeing others having such an open emotional response released even more in me, “oh my god guys,” I snorted out as my own tears continued to fall. The discussion that followed was mostly done through sniffles and tight throats between many of us.
At one point one of my classmates shared that when I had played the song for her and another friend the night before, she had loved it but she hadn’t had as strong of an emotional response and wondered why. Was it because of the essay I shared beforehand? The other friend who had been present as well nodded along through his own tears.
I pondered that, “Isn’t that such a reminder that art isn’t received in a vacuum? The same piece can hit you so differently because of the room we’re in, the collective energy around us, the reverence or attention or lack thereof given to it, the oral storytelling beforehand… even as the creator of the piece, how I feel it when I perform it is changed by these things as well.”
The experience has stayed with me.
I share this not to say, look what I can do but rather to say, look what art can do?
The depth of the emotional experience of sharing art happened by surprise, because of the collective elements, not just the song. I’ve seen even a great song be ignored in a loud crowded bar, or during an openers set to an audience who didn’t feel like paying attention. But something mythical and magical can happen when everyone in the room agrees to pay attention, to be open to it. That is what happened that afternoon in the classroom. It’s as if the molecules in the air rearrange, the vibrations emitting from each of us braid together with the vibrations of the sound. You can’t recreate it or create it intentionally every time. That’s one of the things I love most about performing and going on tour…the magical moments can surprise you.
Even though it feels outside of my control, the experience still has been affirming for me for the type of musical and artistic experiences I want to nurture and prioritize in my life. Quality over quantity. Little rooms over big stages. Deep resonance and community connection over exposure, high regard and fandom.
Speaking of these musical experiences and being in rooms together….
DATES AND EVENTS +
I have quite a few coming up I’m excited about, many at home in Nashville, TN. Some I’m unable to announce yet but they will be soon!
Feb 22nd: Song Circle! My dear friend Paige, The Riverbank by Paige Appel, is a spiritualist, circle facilitator, seeker and all around just beautiful person who nurtures her community. I’ve attended some of her circles and it’s profound how quickly you can feel so safe with those you didn’t know moments before. Another testament to the energy in a room when we all have the same intent and attention. Paige asked if I would sing and play for a song circle. I will share some melodies and the group will respond. No experience or “skill” is necessary. This is about using our voices for attunement, to quiet the mind and build connection. It will be in a beautiful setting in Kingston Springs, TN. SIGN UP HERE.
Feb 3rd Bluebird Cafe - TICKETS HERE for the 9pm set with the incredible Caroline Spence and Meg Mcree!
FEB 10th! - the first single from my new album is being released! It’s called Two Pianos and I wrote it with my dear friend Caroline Spence.
Feb 20th - Nashville HOLD THE DATE! It will be announced shortly but hint hint…
March 3rd, 24th and April 7th - Nashville HOLD these dates! Info coming soon…
April 23-26th - I’ll be teaching at the Lutsongs Songwriter Retreat! Lutsens, MN
As always, thank you for being here. I write these essays quickly, from the heart and without an editor. Please excuse any spelling errors or grammatically confusing sentences. Some day soon when I don’t have two children under the age of 5 and I am sleeping through the night, I hope to have a better editing process. :)
For paid subscribers, I’ve included the song I wrote for my school residency as well as the essay. The audio recording is a voice memo my professor made, you can hear the sniffles in the background towards the end. <3
