It's my birthday!

And I'm 40!

It’s my birthday today! And I’m 40. That feels so odd to say. I told my mom this morning, she’s still 40 in my mind, and I’m still a teenager. How am I suddenly a “middle-aged” mother of two children?

When you’re young, you think you’ll never get older. It feels so far off. And now here I am. It all just feels too fast! Four decades have gone by in the blink of an eye. How??? My first baby is about to turn 5! How????

It all feels like a massive blessing. All of it. The good, the bad, the hard, the easy, the beautiful, the ugly. I’m so thankful for all of it. I’m so thankful to be here.

But…I can’t help but reflect on the fact that I haven’t always felt this way. That I was resistant to the hard, resistant to accepting the things we can not change, resistant to the consequences of age. And now, here I am. I’m really thankful to look around and feel different. I still have those shadowy days when my mind tries to play tricks on me, but overall, I’m thankful to be feeling very rooted in who I am, what I do, what I have done, and where I am…at the age of 40.

As a woman, age is such an interesting source of shame. I’m alarmed by how much my conversations with girlfriends and even my thoughts alone are consumed with age, the signs of age, do we or do we not spend our time, money, resources to try and hide the evidence of our age, botox, wrinkles, gray hair. Then there are the deeper emotional sources of this shame. Have I done enough by now? Am I worthy of owning my age, or have I wasted these years? Shouldn’t I be more successful, have more to show for my time here on Earth? Is it embarrassing to share my age?

But recently I’ve had a shift. I’ve started to really see how wildly insane these thoughts are. We don’t have to DO anything. No one can stop aging, no matter how much money they spend trying to freeze their face, hair, and body to their 30-year-old self. Success doesn’t make you more worthy. Adolescent beauty doesn’t make you more worthy. We are all worthy just because.

So, on my 40th birthday, I just want to send out a massive thank you. This tiny little corner of the world where I can express and connect and explore is something I revel in and hope to continue for years to come with my open, honest, full self, even when it feels scary or pointless. It’s how I stay grounded in my values and morals even when I feel the world pull me from my center every hour of every day. And you being here, reading, replying, sharing makes it all the more meaningful. Thank you.

Hope you all are having a beautiful day out there!